Common Mistakes We Make in Difficult Conversations
You probably feel like difficult conversations are a necessary inconvenience to you. On the one hand, there is something there for which you think “we need to talk” and for which silence is not a healthy, long-term option.
However, these conversations soon turn into emotional and tense scenarios that in more than one case you would like to avoid. But you need to have them. And sooner rather than later. But contrary to what you will always hear out there in the culture, it takes more than guts to face this task.
The truth is that you can have the best disposition, courage, and goodwill to want to have a serious conversation and still come out completely frustrated from it. Constructive communication to resolve conflicts takes skill and knowledge.
Before you tell yourself that “you have to do it,” you need to master certain principles and the mindset that allow you to set realistic expectations for the conversation and understand how to approach the problems that will most likely arise. This is a huge subject. But here we want to give you a list of five common errors that often undermine the way we approach difficult conversations. Keeping them in mind before and during the discussion will help you create the character disposition you need to address undesirable discussions.
Not Having a Vested Interest
Difficult conversations demand great time, effort, and emotional resilience: they are not a duty you owe to everyone. Before you commit, ask yourself why you care to have that conversation. Whether it’s for your self-honesty or to improve a shaky relationship, be sure you have a personal purpose at stake.
Not Previewing the Conversation
Project yourself in the conversation to anticipate the worst reactions you might have. Maybe you predict anger at the other person’s lies. Or you expect your needs to be ignored. In either case, this knowledge allows you to contemplate ways to redirect the discussion to a point of understanding.
Assuming You Are Responsible for Other People’s Feelings
A constructive conversation cannot occur if either person believes that the other controls his feelings. Each party must fully embrace his emotional composure. Pay special attention to statements in the form of “You make me feel…” or “Look what you make me do!” They express no more than the speaker’s unfulfilled needs, to which you can attend but never accept the guilt.
Focusing Too Much on Solutions, Not Understanding
A thorough resolution requires time and willingness on each side. Don’t expect a solution if you don’t understand the problem first. For that, strive to make your points clear in the now. Express your needs and requests plainly and honestly, and rephrase your message if necessary to avoid confusion.
Not Setting Next Steps
A constructive conversation can pave the way for more fruitful communication going forward. But you need to chart that path. Close the conversation by listing the new insights that emerged. Take time to name the main takeaways, the things that changed, or the lessons learned that will be useful to observe in the future.
By Ricardo Pinto
Ricardo is a Content Writer and Creator at Novel Philosophy Academy
