Why We Must Have Uncomfortable Conversations, especially with the People We Love
“Did they really need to go through all this?” This is the question many of us were left wondering as we finished watching Marriage Story.
By all measures, Nicole and Charlie had a happy marriage. Despite their heated divorce process and very intense exchanges, you can see from their actions and how they treat each other elsewhere that they share a deep love and respect for the other.
Of course, love takes different forms and our relationships won’t always be rosy. But curiously, we often have our deepest conflicts with those we care the most about.
Sure, you can blame them for some of their actions. After all, Charlie did sleep with another woman, and you can question how Nicole handled her decision to move to California with their son. But despite their flaws, they are generally good people who wish each other the best. There isn’t a clear hero or villain in this tale — nor do we need them to sympathize with these characters.
So, what exactly goes wrong with their relationship? Why did they have to go through so much pain?
It goes back to their marriage. Despite sharing a life and career ambitions, for a very long time they kept their problems to themselves. To be sure, you can’t blame Nicole for not knowing earlier she wasn’t living up to her full potential. Nor can you unfairly criticize Charlie for being unaware of her needs. Indeed, Nicole recognizes that he is not guilty of making her feel smaller and smaller.
The problem is that despite the signals, they don’t take early steps to communicate their dissatisfaction with the other. As a consequence, each forms their own subjective interpretation of what goes wrong, and they are unable to properly express their needs.
They don’t realize the course they’re going through until it’s too late, despite their intention to separate on friendly terms. Even after reaching an agreement, they keep their problems hidden in murky waters. So much so that Nicole is even afraid to tell Charlie she hired a lawyer — and that he ignores taking legal matters seriously for a long time.
At times, our personal lives reflect Charlie and Nicole’s puzzle: our deepest conflicts are not with those actively working to hurt us. Truly vicious people often have only a temporary presence in our lives.
Instead, our most painful moments can sometimes occur with those who matter most to us. This is why we need to train the muscle to deal with interpersonal problems through open conversations.
Addressing the conflicts you have with the people you love and admire is no easy task. In most cases, it will be uncomfortable for both of you. Sometimes your attempts will be unsuccessful. Still, if you want to reach a constructive resolution and foster mutual understanding, you must push yourself to your limits and start having honest conversations today.
By Ricardo Pinto
Ricardo is a Content Writer and Creator at Novel Philosophy Academy
